“Idon’twantittobeliketheDursleys.Nothinglikethem.Itwas—therewasnever—”Hesqueezedhiseyesshutandthoughtaboutshinyfloortilesandrystalgssesandblindinglights,expensiveouheswhoseushionsdon’tseemveryinvitingandaupboard,alwaysomingbaktotheupboard,thewaythedustwouldfallintohiseyeswhenpeoplewalkedthroughthestairsandhowsineheneverknewwhattimeitwas,heouldtrikhimselfintothinkingthatthehourswerereallydays,months,years,lifespinningoutinfrontofhimwithouthimevergettingtoliveit.“Itwaslikelivinginagsshouse.Likeifyoutalkedtooloud,youwouldbreakit.”
“Likeyouweresuffoating,”Draosaid,anditremindedHarrythattheywerebuildingthishometogether.ThatDraohadhisownthingsthathewastryingtopullawayfrom.“Liketherewasneveramomentthattheyweren’twathing.”
“ButIdon’twantthis,either.”Harrysaid,beauseeventhoughtheyhaddonetheirbesttomakeitseemlikeapetheyouldlivein,itwasjustfilledwithtoomanymemories.“Iwantsomewherethathasmorelight.”
“Light.”Draopikeduphisquillagainandstaredatthefirelikeheregrettedthrowingawayhisneer.“Ianworkwithlight.”
“Tellmewhatyouwant,”Draosayster,whisperingthewordsrightintohisearlikeit’ssomesortofseret,andHarryanbarelypayattentionbeauseofthewaythathishandsweremoving,searhinghimoutunderhtheovers.“TellmewhatyouwantandIangiveityou.”
Ahairwiththestuffingomingoutoftheushions.Hermione’safghansstakedupinabasketwekeepintheorner.Abigfrontporhwithrokinghairs,agardenofftothesidethatwon’tgrowinrowsnomatterhowhardwetrytomakeit.Mismatheddishesinthesinkandakithentablesorhedfromyouronstantlyoverflowingpotionsandfreshbakedbreadintheovens,theradioalwaysturnedonlowsoweanewhenthemoodstrikesusandabigpiturewindowinourbedroom.Andmaybeadog,too,anolddogwithabumlegthatwegetfromamuggleshelter,theonethathadbeentheresolongthatithadgivenuphopethatanyonewasgoingtolovehim,weanbetheonestoresuehim,an’twe?It’dbeagoodlife,that.
“Nothing,”iswhathesays,beauseallthatwouldtaketoolongandwouldkillthemoodandmaybeHarrystilldoesn’tthinkit’sgoingtohappen,anyways.“Justyou.”
He’sstartedwalkingthroughthehouseagain.
See,thethingaboutmovingonthatHarrydidn’tknowisthatit’ssortofjustanotherwordforgoodbye,whereyouhavetoloosenyourgriponallthosememoriesthatyou’reafraidoffettinginordertokeepfaingthefuture,inordertokeepputtingonefootinfrontoftheother.Anditshouldbeeasy,intheory,butthatwasbeforeyoutakeintoaountallthethingsthathadhappenedinthismiserableoldbuilding—howitwastheonlysafespotfortheminthewar,thepartywhenRonandHermionewereprefets,GeeandFredtogether,whereRemusandTonksfellinlove,whereSiriuswas.
Sometimes,ifHarryisnotareful,heantrikhimselfintothinkingthathewillturnaornerandseethemwathinghim,waitingtoseeifhehadliveduptotheherothattheyhadtakenhimtobe.Sometimes,hewantstoripthishousedownwallbywallandbrikbybrikinthehopesthatoneofthemwillgettogofree.Sometimes,hethinksofstandinginthedoorwayandsreamingthatheissorry,justinasethereisanyhanethattheywouldbeabletohear.
Heisnotsureifhe’sreadytoleavethemallbehind.
“Youdon’thavetogetridofit.”
HarryjumpsatthesoundofDrao’svoie.He’dbeenaughtinthemiddleofstaringatthepewheretheportraitofSirius’motherusedtohang.
“Andwhywouldn’tIgetridofit?”
“Beauseyou’reoneofthelukypeoplewhoanaffordtobuyahousewithoutsellingtheoldone.”Draotiltedhishead,lookingattheemptyspae,maybethinkingofhowheshouldredotheapersoyouannoteventellwherethepiturehadbeen.“Toomanymemoriesheretojustwalkaway.”
“Idon’twantit.”
TheideaofkeepingitwasmetwitharevulsionsostrongthatifHarryhadhadanydoubtsaboutmovingoutbefore,hewouldn’thaveanynow.
“Thendonateittothehistorialsoiety,letitbeturnedintoamuseumformerlin’ssakes.”DraoluthedHarry’sfingersinhisown,likethatwouldmakehimlisten.“AllI’msayingisthatyoudon’towethispe,oranythinginit,anymoreofyou.Youdon’thavetofigureoutanythingnow,andyoudon’thavetodoitalone,remember?I’mhere,forgood.”Hewashere.Here,anddespiteeverything,notrunningaway.Harrykeepsexpetinghimto.“Don’tletthiswartakeanotherpieeofyou.”
Harrywishesitwerethateasy.
Chapter34
Harry
Draogetspardoned.
Harry’snotsurewhyitomesasashok,really,espeiallyonsideringhowheandHermioneandGeehavebeenshowingupattheministryoneaweeklobbyingforahangeinhisriminalstatus,butnowthattheproofofthehangeisstaringupathiminbkandwhite,Harryan’thelpbutfeellikethegroundhadfallenoutfromunderhhim.
“It’sover,”Draosays,andhe’sgottearsinhiseyes,andHarrypullshimselfoutofhisownheadlongenoughtonotiethetearsinhisboyfriend’seyesandthewaythathishandsaretrembling,justalittle,themosttheyhaveindays,andrealizeshowgreatthismustbeforhim,tonotbeamarkedmanforthefirsttimeinfiveyears.There’sadifferenebetweentellingyourselfthatyouareieverynightbeforeyougotosleepandhavingthegoverproimittothewholeworld,astheDailyProphetwouldsurelysayintomorrow’spaper.“It’sallover.”
Overisreallyafunnywordforit.There’sb
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